Hostel-ity: Case - I "Late Night Vada-Pao"

Inmates...or those living or have ever lived in a hostel would appriciate the "complex" concepts presented in this piece. If the course you took (MBA in my case) required you to be up when rest of your timezone slept...even better!

After much research on the subject I have come to the conclusion that ISI is funding a secret project in our country & the objective is to reduce the efficiency of our country's brightest minds. Their modus-operandi seems simple. All the hostel cooks, Engineering / MBA / Medicine / Graduation etc. are trained to cook food in a manner that no matter what they make (or what the menu reads)...it tastes the same. ALWAYS!

If its a gravy preperation, the "stuff" is somewhere at the bottom of the utensil. If you wait in the line a bit longer to fish for it...the lady behind you will make the most disgusted look ever with an accompanying "chhik" sound to drive the point home harder. MOVE YOUR BUTT! The chapatis are made stale. Please pay attention. They are NOT stale coz' of being kept for a long time. They are MADE stale. Fresh hot STALE chapatis. Something like Ashok Kumar. He was born old. Dal is identified by its colour. "Tadka" is something you think about while having it. Taste is a function of your imagination. Hence, my dal always tastes like "keema-matar".

The result is that when you go to the mess. The visit is so short that you meet yourself on the way out! People like me become elgible for the PDS after 12-15th of the month because of our financial condition so going out for food is a fantasy. Birthdays treats are God's way of saying...He exists. But otherwise, you nibble something here and there and head to your room convincing yourself that you won't feel hungry tonight. Then it happens...

11:00 PM "I'm cool...not a bit of hunger anywhere in sight!"
11:45 PM "...What was that sound? Seemed to come from somewhere inside?!?!"
12:30 AM "...Again that sound...I knew it! It's my tummy!"
01:15 AM "...Pandey...Yar kuch khaane ko hai kya?" (He NEVER has anything!)
01:50 AM "...My parents don't love me...They never send anything to eat...that lasts!"
01:55 AM "...Just gulped down half a bottle of water. Still hungry."
02:00 AM "...Time to go for plan-B"

By this time you can do anything for that Rs. 3/- vada-pao! I mean anything! So you call up the all-night vada-pao guy. Yessir! There is one. Long live the call centres! What more? He takes telephonic orders! Now one thing that can get you killed in a hostel is to order food late at night and NOT tell your floor-mates...Especially if one of them a perpetually hungry Jat from Hissar! So you do the round and collect money and the order details from all those awake. You better write it all down coz' you really don't want to leave anyone hungry once you've taken the money for it. Another thing that can re-define your anatomy in a hostel!

So finally...the order is placed and what began as an order for 2 vada-paos ends up being something like this..... 21: Vada Pao 2: Maggi 4: Omlette Pao 2: Anda Bhurji + 4 Pao

Then the "stare-at-the-watch" game starts. Waiting for food is still the hardest thing for me in the world. But I still wait. Another Airtel ad in the making...the "mundu" or the man-friday of the vada pao guy gives me a missed call when he reaches the hostel gate and I rush down to collect the stuff. Trust is important in life. But here...it is a given. There is no way you're gonna sit and verify the order. You just give the delivey guy a "you know what I'll do if you mess with me" look and rush back with the consignment.

Many things in the hostel are defacto. One of them is the venue for the late night hogging. Since I ordered it. It's my room...just like that. Suddenly there is a "baraat" in my room. The Jat makes sure there are no free loaders. There is one. A quick vote is done if we can spare some grub for the guy and depending on the verdict he is either politely thrown out or allowed to stay and join in.

Cleaning the aftermath. They all promise to do so but no one does. Another defacto...I clean the room after the feast. Its 4:30 AM now. Time to sleep. Burrrrp.....Zzzzzzzz....

It will be time for breakfast in 4 hrs. Prepared by the same bloody ISI trained cooks!